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music |
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"American Baby" - Dave Matthews Band |
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Life would be good if I only I were to shoot myself in the head about five times each day. Just in one little spot so that I could become and emotionless robot, a skill that most of my friends have already mastered. Perhaps that in itself is why I wish that I didn't have them...not jealousy or anything, but who am I to take them to?
I've got so many feelings all the time and none of them ever stronger than the other. They are always there. None of them particularly strong. Then a jolt, a twitch, and it's out of there...one little thing all over the place. I can't help myself. I really can't help myself, I don't know why.
I hold on for way too long. It needs to stop. There's nothing wrong with me, maybe everyone feels this way. 90% of all teenagers are bipolar. I am no different from anyone. I know this. I just have to talk. Why do I feel the need to talk about everything on my mind, all the time? And it's obviously not something I don't realise I'm doing. I am fully concious of it. I'm fully aware of so many things I do, so many faults I have, and yet I continue them. Isn't that weird?
I guess everyone is like that. Maybe that's the beauty of everyone. I'm found myself attracted to a person's faults more than the better parts of them, I must say. Everyone is flawed.
It's so easy to ignore people's existence when you aren't in highschool. It's when they burrow back into your life in the most peculiar ways that make me bothered. To me, people are things if they sit there long enough. It's sort of like their souls materialize if they do too many things wrong to me. When I see them, they strike up strong emotional conflicts inside that I can't force back down. Songs are like that. I can no longer listen to "Banana Pancakes" because I get brought back to times I don't want to remember. I can not even look at photographs of myself if someone in the faded, fuzzy background is someone I remember and not in a good way.
But apparently this is normal? I guess it is, I just overreact. I overreact in the emotional sense...my emotional responses are overreacted? To be honest the antidepressants seem to make me worse...I am theorizing that they stimulate all of these emotional reactions (including the happy ones) making me far more emotional than I am...I go from high to low just that fast. I don't think it's depression I have. I think it's something else. And I think that if I took depressants, assuming my hypothesis is correct, I would be far more emotionally stable...my overreaction to things would calm down a bit and I wouldn't be so damn jittery.
But that would mean sacrificing the "bubbly" thing that people like about me. Cause that is a reaction of extreme happiness.
I stopped taking my antidepressants a few weeks ago because I thought of all this and frankly I feel like a better person, or at least a stronger one. Before, I was a pushover in the sense that I was a slave to all people and things that struck me with feelings of attachment, loyalty, love, etc...but now I am not so blinded by that, though I can be oftentimes. If someone pisses me off I am not so passive aggressive.
I prefer not to talk about it frankly.
I should just stab myself in the head and maybe everything would be fixed.
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ianevski's journal